I consider myself a pretty responsible person. I like being busy, having a job, and working hard to keep my life in order. If my house is clean, my bills are paid, and my school assignments are complete, I feel fulfilled and accomplished, ready for the future and the challenges ahead. But throughout school, all I wanted was some time for myself now and then to read books I actually wanted to read, or write something just for the hell of it and not for a grade. Now that I’m out of school, I have all the free time to write, create, look for jobs, and do all those things I never had time for. Great, right?
There’s just one problem: I am literally and completely LOST without structure.
Sure, I could always get up at 7 in the morning when I had to be at school on time, and I could get my assignments done before work because if I didn’t, I would get a bad grade. Then after work, I’d go home and do homework until 2 AM (except in extreme circumstances requiring all-nighters), and get some sleep. In between all the classes and assignments and work, I’d feel productive during my free time and utilize it in any way I could, dreaming of a day when I would have more time to be creative. However, now my schedule looks something like this:
1. 10 AM alarm — press snooze until 12.
2. Stand in front of fridge for half an hour deciding what to eat.
3. Clean house to feel productive.
5. Find something interesting and crafty on Pinterest. Save for future, when I have “free time.”
6. Browse for jobs and come to the realization that I am either not qualified or not willing to give the next few years of my life to unrelenting stress and depression for the sake of a pay check.
8. Drinks OR
9. Netflix and Internet
10. 4 AM – stop scrolling through pictures on iPhone and pass out, promising myself I will be productive tomorrow.
Most of this would not be such a huge problem if I could force myself to get up at a decent hour, but anyone who knows me knows that I am as far from a morning person as Dracula. I’ll even write motivational messages to go with my alarm, so that when I look at my phone alarm it will say something like, “Today will be worth it!” or “So much to accomplish today!” or, “Get up fatass.” But no matter what, I will fall back asleep because there are NO CONSEQUENCES. I won’t be late to work, miss a class, or be reprimanded by anyone, so according to my unrelenting subconscious, I have no reason to get up. Odds are I didn’t get to sleep until 4 or 5 in the morning anyway, so technically I need my rest.
I don’t write anything either. Yeah, I have ideas, but those all go in a list somewhere for “when I have free time,” and never see the light of day again. What good would they do me anyway? They won’t get me a job, and I’m too ADHD to finish project I start anyway — that is, unless, I have to turn it in to a professor. I thrive on specific assignments with guidelines and deadlines, telling me what to write about and who I’m writing to. Now that I’m out of school, I don’t have anyone but me…and I’m a terrible teacher. I can barely even keep up with a blog, much less a presentable portfolio with a specific area of expertise.
Unless I’m getting paid or graded, I’m pretty useless.