What My Cover Letter Should Really Say
June 24, 2012
Mr. Important Person
Important Company, Inc.
Atlanta, GA -related zip code-
Dear Mr. Important Person,
I am writing to express my interest in ANYTHING that will pay me a substantial amount of money at ANY COMPANY that is willing to hire me to do ANYTHING RELEVANT to my college major and/or life experience. I am not particularly gifted, but hell, if you’re willing to pay me, I can learn. My strengths include the ability to go without sleep for long periods of time in order to get work accomplished despite the fact that I end up resembling a meth-addicted zombie by the end of it, the ability to manipulate anything written to make it sound appealing whether I am knowledgeable in the subject or not, and extensive computer proficiency due to a solid eight years of procrastinating from homework by wasting countless hours on the internet.
If you are still reading this, which I doubt you are since you probably have letters to read from applicants who are actually qualified for this position, I would like to direct you to my resume, which is a brilliant masterpiece of the written word. Seriously, you should hire me solely based on fact that I made waiting tables sound like a professional art form. In all seriousness, putting up with customers in a restaurant more than qualifies me for so-called “customer relations.” Anyone can talk on the phone; I can look straight at a customer who is treating me as if I just tried to poison them because I brought out the wrong salad dressing and, with a smile on my face, say, “Oh, I’m sorry for that inconvenience, sir. Is there anything else I can get you?” even though in my head I want to find the nearest sharp object and stab him in the face with it. That’s focus under pressure, and I guarantee that makes me just as capable of dealing with people as someone who has sat behind a cubicle answering phones for the past five years.
As for a candidate with organizational skills, you can’t get more organized than someone with clinically diagnosed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder! You’ll never have to worry about losing a file, a memo, or as much as a PAPERCLIP ever again, since clutter affects me much like the Overlook Hotel affects Jack Torrence in The Shining. I organize everything from my clothes to random receipts from three years ago that I might for some reason need and don’t want to risk throwing away, so you’d never have to worry about some irresponsible dunce who might lose something. My attention to detail far exceeds that of a normal, sane person, and I would apply this knack of noticing things such as layers of dust on the underside of tables and stray pieces of string hanging from strangers’ clothing to correcting grammatical errors on important documents and analyzing marketing trends. Remember, I’m not just qualified—I’m diagnosed!
In conclusion, I would like to emphasize my main point, which is that I am completely and honestly desperate. I can learn just about anything if you pay me, and I will slave away doing mindless paperwork because I have student loans to pay off and IKEA furniture to purchase. Please have mercy upon my broke college graduate soul and grant me an interview so that I may dazzle you in-person with my charming personality and wit, which will surely secure me the position much more than a written letter could. Thank you for your consideration, although you likely have not considered a single thing but I have imagined you doing so anyway to keep me from becoming completely depressed and jumping off a bridge. Please call me. Seriously.
Yours with a Good Starting Salary and Decent Benefits,
317 Still-Living-Here Rd.
Rome-Feel-Like-I’m-Gonna-Be-Here-Forever, GA 30161